As such, it seems only rational that I should make a to do list of how to escape the "Life Fail" category of people.
This is more or less how it flows:
1) Get a job.
2) Get a better computer
3) Get back to enjoying photo editing, animation and writing without cursing the effing computer for crashing every thirty seconds.
4) Improve on all counts.
5) Get famous.
6) Get rich.
7) Buy Victoria Province, Au (or the whole of Ausland if obscene fortune permits)
8) Set up awesome captive breeding program for endangered amphibians, reptiles and relict groups of "higher" vertebrates.
9) Do this on stilts (remember, Victoria Province has a C20 year flood cycle).
10) Simultaneously restore large areas of native forest, thereby stabilising first local, and then nationwide climate.
11) Become Australia's favourite person.
12) Get Australian Citizenship.
13) Learn to like Beer.
14) Be Australian.
I'm currently stuck around stage one (the get a job bit) so it seems necessary (strangely) to create an entire to-do list for this level.
Currently, I'm working with a sort of flow-chart of fail that goes like this:
ACTION 1: Search for job
DECISION 1: Are jobs available?
YES (80%) - continue to Action 2 NO (20%)- Cry and return to Action 1
ACTION 2: Check person specification
DECISION 2: Do I (even remotely) qualify?
YES (<10%) - Continue to action 3 NO (>90%) - Cry and return to Action 1
ACTION 3: Dance around in elation at having prospects
DECISION 3: Still happy and hyper?
YES (100%) - Continue to Action 4 NO (not possible) - Prepare popcorn for
(and quickly, Puto!) imminent implosion of universe.
ACTION 4: Apply with lightning speed
DECISION 4: Did you remember to attach your CV to the e-mail?
YES (100%) - Breathe sigh of relief, NO (?) - Cry. Hard. Attach and resend.
Continue to Action 5. Continue to Action 5
ACTION 5: Await first response
(Because your ecstatic brain has decided this is the shelf-stacking position for you, and will not consider other avenues at this stage)
Continue to wait.
Grow increasingly depressed.
Waste time on Sporcle.com.
Recheck e-mail
Initiate parallel iterations from Action 1.
(and continue within this iteration)
EVALUATION 1: Does any response ever come?
YES (<10%) - Squeal loudly. NO - Sink further into pit of despair.
Continue to Evaluation 2. Return to Action 1
EVALUATION 2: Positive?
YES (<1%) - Die of Excitement. NO: (>99%) - Contemplate the world philosophically.
Revive and continue to Action 6. Conclude that it is actually Hell.
Drink tea and procrastinate online until this feeling passes.
(1 hour to a week, depending)
Return to Action 1.
ACTION 6: Attend Interview:
Be engaging, witty, positive and (difficult) consistent.
Await feedback.
Keep Waiting.
Can't be long now.
Wait some more.
Suffer a down spell. Eat masses of sugar to control mood.
Add further parallel iterations from Action 1.
Continue waiting.
Wait...
Okay, they're not getting back to you.
Give up hope and stop worrying about it.
Oh, wait, they got back to you.
They really liked you at interview (100%) and would like to offer you a job.
Accept.
Repeat this confirmation that you accept.
Await any further word from them.
Repeat your confirmation again, request details.
Actually, they've realised that they want someone longer term for this post.
But they'll get back to you.
Smile and be friendly.
Wonder when the hell you gave them the impression that you gave them any reason to think you were only interested in a short term position.
Talk about this to the woman at the job centre.
Be told that because you have a degree (looks like prospects) and more than 3 months unemployment (looks like a negative) no-one would ever hire you.
Leave the job centre fighting the temptation to throw my head under the wheel of every moving car I see.
Spend a few days feeling devastatingly demotivated.
Return to Action 1.
This obviously isn't working.
Obviously.
Really Obviously.
So I have a new (potentially more realistic)"To do list" on this level:
1) Revamp CV, including a personal statement (apparently it's not enough to have that in the cover letter).
2) Maintain a list of Applications (with dates).
3) Bite the bullet and call all non-responsive applications a week after application closing date.
4) Call up Temp agencies recently applied to.
5) Pester the f***ers.
I'm hoping this one might be a tad more successful.
PS - Smivel and go forth.
PS - Smivel and go forth.
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